I’m very complexed

 Most people have heard of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD),  but have you ever heard of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD)?

Basically the difference is that PTSD usually results from a single trauma, whereas CPTSD develops as a result of experiencing either long term or repeated trauma or the person may have also endured multiple traumas like I have. I had no idea that CPTSD was a thing… Then I got diagnosed and my immediate thought was fuck! This really sucks! Living with this diagnosis, I can tell you that although its not as well known as PTSD, its DEFINITELY real and at times its absolute hell.

 A sound, a location, a text message, a person’s tone or even something that I see on TV can be so triggering that I can go into a full blown panic attack, flashbacks and completely dissociate from reality. Sometimes the triggers are so subtle that I have absolutely no idea what is causing me to freak out. There are even moments where I’m stuck in a flashback or dissociation without even knowing.


CPTSD can also cause nightmares so even though I know it’s not a healthy decision, sometimes I just force myself to stay awake because being tired is less overwhelming than having to explain to my husband why I am screaming in my sleep or wake up hyperventilating and feeling like I need to get away.

One of my biggest triggers is hospitals. I know what you’re thinking, hospitals make everyone uncomfortable, right? But for me it’s different. I could be there visiting someone who just had a child or there was that one time I panicked while doing clinical observations for my bachelors degree even though it was something that I had actually looked forward to. To my brain, it doesn’t matter whether I’m there for a positive reason or I’m being admitted, the 11 operations and other admissions that I have endured as well as the months I spent in hospitals with my dying father replay in my mind like I’m starring in the movie Groundhog Day. 


While therapy has been incredibly helpful in improving my ability to cope, these events can still leave me shaking and hyperventilating. This makes me feel like I’m completely crazy so I spent a long time in denial.


Denial.. Yea, that’s been a huge part of my CPTSD journey. For a long time I couldn’t bring myself to use the word trauma, I referred to having sepsis and emergency surgery as “the stuff that happened to me” or I would reference the date of an event rather than just saying what actually happened. 
I’ll be honest, as I sit here writing this right now, I don’t know if I actually want to share this publicly. I mean, the fact that going to a hospital, or really anywhere unfamiliar & being exposed to people who are drunk or yelling can cause me to lose sight of reality does make me sound pretty screwed up.


 I guess I’m just starting to realize that no matter what my brain may be telling me, I’m not the only one who fights this battle & although I do feel weird sharing something that only a handful of people know about me, I feel like I need to put it out there. Accepting that I have CPTSD is a daily struggle, but if sharing my experiences can help even one person to see that they are not alone, it’s worth it. And yes, I do use a fake name on this blog… Don’t judge.

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